My New Year's Resolutions

1) I will stop threatening to fight obnoxious children at check-out lines and restaurants, at least those who look like they might kick my ass.

2) I will be less insensitive, which means I will take up lying.

3) I will stop performing citizen’s arrests on people who wear jeggings/pajama jeans, pajama bottoms or slippers to the store. Instead, I will discreetly report them as shoplifters to security in hopes that they are escorted away for questioning and removed from my sight.

4) I will resist the urge to crash my vehicle into the back of another when I see a religious or political bumper sticker that doesn’t just express a thought or belief but tells me what mine should be.

5) I will be kinder to people with bad hair.